Take a break and have a chuckle......

ROOF JOKES

One summer morning a blonde roofer named WILLIE showed up to work with something new. His co-workers all asked him what he was carrying. Willie says, I was yard sale-ing this weekend and it was for sale for a dollar, so I asked the lady what it was and she called it a thermos. She said it kept hot things hot and cold things cold, so I bought it! Well this amazed his co-workers so much, they all wanted one too, and asked him what he had in it that day. Willie proudly replied; 2 popsicles and a cup of coffee!

Q. What do you say to a ROOFER in a three piece suit? A.Will the defendant please rise.

Q. What do you call a girl on a ROOFERS arm? A.Tattoo

Q. What's the difference between a ROOFER and a pizza? A. A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. What do you call a ROOFER without a girlfriend? A. Homeless.

Q. What do you call a ROOFER with a beeper? A. An optimist.

Q. What do you call a ROOFER on the front porch? A. The pizza delivery guy

Q. How many ROOFER jokes are there? A. Just one -- all the rest are true!

Q. What's the hardest 3 years of a ROOFERS life? A. 8th Grade.

Q. Why did the roofer go to the doctor? A. Because he had a bad case of SHINGLES

Q. Why did the roofer have to go to the dentist? A. He couldn't stop biting his NAILS.

Q. What do you call a BLONDE skeleton lying on the Roof? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek Champ

Q. Ever wonder why there are no blind roofers? A. Heights scare the crap out of the Seeing Eye dog.

A guy goes into a doctor's office complaining of pain. The doctor asks, "Where does it hurt?" The roofer touches himself on the arm and says ouch. Then he touches himself on his kneecap and says aaAAghhh. Then he touches his stomach and groans ahhHhhhh. "It hurts everywhere" he tells the doctor. The doctor says,” You’re a ROOFER aren't you?" The guy replies, "How did you know that?" The doctor tells him, "you don't hurt everywhere, your finger is broken."

This ROOFER is sitting at home while his wife is at work. His wife calls him at home, and seems very excited. "You won't believe this," she says, "but I just won the lottery. Five Million Bucks!!! I'm on my way home, pack your bags." That's incredible. I can't believe it," said the ROOFER. "What should I pack?" His wife answered, "It doesn't matter, just as long as you are out of the house before I get there!"

David the roofer received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was foul (groan). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David the roofer tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He tried using polite words and playing soft music, but nothing worked. After a long hard hot day laying shingles, David the roofer lost it when the bird cursed him and in a moment of desperation, the roofer put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David the roofer was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior." David the roofer was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the Turkey did?"

WILLIE went on vacation and asked SANDY to watch over his house. About a week later, WILLIE calls home and asked "How's my cat?" SANDY hesitated and sadly told WILLIE his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have told the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get him off the roof, but he fell down and died," explained WILLIE. SANDY apologized and went about her day. About a week later, WILLIE called again and asked "How's my Granny?" There was a long silence and then SANDY replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

A guy comes home from work and sees a Gorilla on the roof of his house. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough one roofer had "Gorilla's Removed" right there in the ad. He calls the number and within half an hour the guy shows up in a roofing van. He asses the situation and says,”Yup, there’s a gorilla on your roof. Let me unload my stuff and I'll have him down in no time". The homeowner watches him unload a ladder, a net, a pit-bull and a shotgun. He asks the roofer what all the stuff is for and the experienced contractor tells him,” Well, I use the ladder to climb up on the roof. I'll wrestle the gorilla and throw him off the roof, this pit-bull is trained to grab the gorilla by the groin and not let go until I've thrown the net on him and got him in the back of the van." The homeowner looks at all the gear and does a checklist, and then he asks, "Well, what’s the shotgun for then?" The roofer hands it to him and answers "If I get up there and that gorilla throws me off the roof you shoot that pit-bull!"

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and surprise her husband with a big dinner. Sure enough when she got home she saw her husbands car in the drive way. When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband kissing the female roofer who had been working on their house. She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream. Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don’t do it! I lost my head watching her roof all day in the sun, I am sorry!” The blonde screamed, "Shut up jerk, you’re next!"

One day a roofer and a mason were working on a job together, when the chimney man decides he has to take a leak. So the mason slips into the attic, pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs back out to the roofer and says, "I’ve been bitten by a snake on my privates! Get down from the roof and ask a doctor what to do." So the roofer runs into town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, the mason has been bit by a snake what do I do?" The doctor looks at the roofer and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom." The roofer thanks the doctor and rushes back up the roof to the mason who yells, "What did the doctor say?" The roofer shakes his head at the mason and says "The Doctor say’s you’re a goner….

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Ray the Roofer are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy. Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them." Ray the Roofer says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have." Bill Gates says." I really love Face book, but I won’t log on anymore." Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, GATES spots a Starbucks. He smells the aroma and can't help himself. He runs in and logs right in and POOF! He disappears.
Ru Paul and Ray the Roofer are astonished and agree that this won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Ray the Roofer spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends over to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears….

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so." "Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the porch roof where the shingles have blown away? He says, "Does it look like I have Roof Time written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the front porch is newly shingled and looks great. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how’d this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young roofer came by asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" I DON’T THINK SO…..

There’s a tired old roofer driving on the highway to his home at the end of a long day. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "GREG be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on I-75!" GREG says" I know, but it’s not just one, there are hundreds!"

Three ROOFERS married wives from different parts of the tri-state. The first roofer married a woman from FAIRFIELD. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second roofer married a woman from EASTGATE. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he could see it was better. By the third day, he could see his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third roofer married a girl from FLORENCE. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.